Your Ultimate Guide to Threesomes with Stella Harris

Guess what is the favorite sex fantasy among both men and women on any given day of the week? It is threesomes, and by a whopping three to one ratio according to studies conducted by Justin Lehmiller. And now guess how many of those people understand the politics, jealousy, and emotional ‘afterglow’ of transferring such a fantasy into a successful reality? Well, we don’t have an exact number, but gauging on the amount of information currently available, it’s likely low.

Stella Harris, an experienced sex educator, comes to the rescue with her new book, The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes

If you’ve been curious about what it’s like to engage in a threesome or were looking for an extensive guide to make it happen, this is the book. It’s not just about surveys, scientific numbers, random assumptions, quotes from couples you don’t know, and textbook information, it is a real-life guide from a woman who has navigated the field and found her bliss.

And now you’re going to have to excuse us, as we just got the opportunity to ask Stella anything we wanted, and we suspect things are about to get interesting.

Urbasm: Hi Stella, we know of a lot of guys who claim they want a threesome, but what would you guess is the percentage who are actually ready for one?

Stella Harris: I think we all have fantasies we’re not prepared to bring into real life – at least not right away. For any fantasies, and especially threesomes – because they bring additional people into the mix – it’s important to make sure you’re ready.

Urbasm: How should a guy go about that?

Stella Harris: Ask yourself why you want to have a threesome. Be honest. And then think about how realistic the outcome you’re looking for is. For example, if you’re hoping to impress other people, or show off, things are likely to backfire.

Urbasm: Is there a type of guy who is more likely to walk into a ‘surprise threesome’ situation?

Stella Harris: In my book, I make it clear that I think surprise, or spontaneous, threesomes tend to be a bad idea. That said, there is groundwork you can lay in advance that makes threesomes come easier. What type of men do threesomes just happen to? They happen to people who have good communication skills and who have proven that they listen and respect boundaries. Threesomes are tricky business, and people are way more likely to be into it with you if they feel safe.

Urbasm: What can a guy do to boost his odds?

Stella Harris: You’re a lot more likely to get invited to threesomes if you’ve proven you won’t make them all about you. Focus on other people’s pleasure and not as a way to boost your own ego. In fact, see what happens if you keep your pants on altogether. Being a generous lover gets you invited back.

Urbasm: So what are the three biggest pitfalls or misconceptions that a man should be aware of before beginning the pursuit of a threesome?

Stella Harris: Threesomes aren’t magically hot just because three people are in the room. There needs to be chemistry between everyone involved. Or at least a playful and friendly connection. Don’t let your desire for a threesome make you overlook red flags, like a partner who doesn’t really want to be there and is just trying to please you. Also, remember that not all bisexual women are into threesomes and even if they are, they aren’t magically attracted to every other woman or every woman you’re attracted to. Make sure everyone’s fantasies and interests are being given equal weight.

Urbasm: Is there a ‘type’ of woman who’s more likely to be curious about a threesome?

Stella Harris: If you’ve been with someone for a while you probably have an idea how adventurous they are. If they’ve been excited to talk about new fantasies and ideas before, it’s probably okay to bring it up casually. But if sex is already a touchy subject, proceed with caution.

Urbasm: Okay, so let’s say that we play it cautiously. Is it generally okay to approach any partner with the possibility?

Stella Harris: If there’s an existing, established couple in the mix, threesomes work best when that couple is already solid. Threesomes aren’t a fix for relationship issues. Try to bring up the general idea of sexual fantasies and make space for both of you to share things that you’re interested in. Again, don’t get so focused on your threesome goal that you don’t hear what your partner wants, or doesn’t want.

Urbasm: What separates the gentlemen from the womanizer when it comes to a threesome?

Stella Harris: If this has been a fantasy for a while it can be tempting to take charge and direct or choreograph – telling the other people what to do and how to do it. But not only will this likely spoil the fun for them, it means you’re not able to stay present in the moment and really enjoy yourself either.

Urbasm: What is the most important tip to make sure that everyone is having a good time and that you will be asked again?

Stella Harris: Try keeping your pants on!

Urbasm: (laughs)

Stella Harris: Or, at a minimum, try saving your own orgasm for after everyone else is well satisfied. There are lots of positions and scenarios possible in a threesome and only focusing on PIV sex limits your options considerably, and can leave someone as the odd person out. Focus on the pleasure of the other two people and be willing to not be the center of attention.

Urbasm: What are the basic boundaries a man should always assume unless told otherwise?

Stella Harris: Everything is a boundary until you’re told otherwise! Never do anything without asking. Negotiate everything. Especially with a threesome, there are going to be multiple boundaries in the room and
there are no safe assumptions. Some people might not want to kiss, some people have parts of their body they don’t like touched, some people have pet names they don’t like to hear.

Urbasm: Okay, so this all needs to be talked about before the action begins.

Stella Harris: Discuss it all. Ideally, you’ll have time well in advance of your threesome to talk everything through. Try having a group text thread for the people involved so you can negotiate, discuss boundaries, and fantasize about the things you’d like to try together.

Urbasm: Sex with anyone for the first time can be difficult to rate, so how can a man tell the difference between ‘a bad experience’ he should not repeat or ‘a good one’ that has potential?

Stella Harris: I don’t really like the idea of rating sex. Each partner and each experience is so different, they don’t really compare.

Urbasm: Yeah, we agree.

Stella Harris: After sex, give yourself a day or two. Then think back on it. What were the highlights, the things you’d want to repeat? What didn’t go so well that you’d like to work on, or maybe simply not do it again? This can also be a useful conversation to have with your partner or partners. Again, give yourself the rest of the night for aftercare and afterglow, then schedule a threesome debriefing.

Urbasm: Thank you, Stella, I think that ‘some of us’ here at Urbasm are ready (no names used to protect the immature).

And now comes the fun part of your journey where you can take these lessons and turn them into action. And for that, we highly suggest reading her book, which we found to be quite an eye-opening and entertaining read.

Follow Stella on Instagram, Twitter, and you can also visit her website.

Read More

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How to Approach Your Girl for Anal Sex

About Dr. Eric J. Leech

Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.



About Dr. Eric J. Leech

Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.