Every man experiences only a few special women in his lifetime. These are the kind of women who bring out the best in your appearance, confidence, energy, and everything you do. And when you do run across one of these opportunities, we suggest to be prepared to make her happy – otherwise, some other man will be up for the task if you’re not.
Allow us to introduce you to one of those special ladies in our life, Dr. Jess O’Reilly (Sex With Dr. Jess). She does not require that you make her happy, but she can definitely improve the way you feel about yourself, your sex, and how you approach women. And we recently had the opportunity to ask Dr. Jess anything we wanted… and so we got right down to the nitty gritty.
Urbasm: What is the biggest reason that men fail to turn women on?
Dr. Jess: They take their cues from porn. There is nothing wrong with wanting to screw like a porn star, but mainstream porn is intended to titillate — not educate. Being inspired and turned on by porn is wonderful, but using it as a universal model for real-life sex often fails.
Of course, each woman is unique, so the only way to know what she likes is to ask:
Once you’re in the bedroom, use gentle dirty talk to learn more about her likes [desires]”
Urbasm: Is it true that one of the greatest aphrodisiacs for women is a man doing housework?
Dr. Jess: I wouldn’t say that the housework is an aphrodisiac, but a division of labor tends to be a serious source of contention in long-term relationships. When your partner perceives the division of unpaid labour as relatively equal, your relationship is more likely to be more harmonious and intimate, which can ultimately lead to more sex.
Additionally, when you take on a chore that is generally in your partner’s domain, you’re sending the message that they’re important to you and worth a little extra effort — for many of us, this message is an aphrodisiac.
Urbasm: That is good news. So what is the best way to approach a woman for sex if a guy doesn’t know her well enough to know what she likes?
Dr. Jess: Once you’ve both given consent:
- Take cues from the way she kisses. If she kisses you gently and slowly, she may be looking for a bit more teasing; if she’s a bit more passionate and aggressive, follow her lead and mirror her energy.
- Once you’re in the bedroom, use gentle dirty talk to learn more about her likes: There? More? Slower? Good?
Urbasm: We’d like to get into using more ‘props’ to turn our women on. What should be included in every modern man’s bag of tricks?
Dr. Jess: Lube, lube, and more lube. Check out Astroglide’s new formula Spark – it’s a water-silicone hybrid with no glycerin or parabens, so it suits a range of tastes. You’re probably not going to carry a vibe in your pocket but ask her if she has a favorite to let her know you’re on-board with whatever feels good for her. You can use a vibe during oral, foreplay, intercourse or even when you’re driving home from a dinner party.
Urbasm: What is the biggest sex complaint women have against men… and what can we do to fix it?
Dr. Jess: We’re all getting better at asking for what we want in the bedroom, so I think that complaints overall are waning, which is good news. I do still hear a number of complaints from women about the way their male partners approach them or attempt to initiate sex. Some complain that they feel like a piece of meat when you just ‘poke from behind’ and others complain that they can’t turn it on like a light switch. In short, they’re looking for the flirtation, erotic connection and so-called foreplay to be a regular part of your interactions as opposed to starting when you get to the bedroom.
Some simple tips:
- Compliment her on a range of traits beyond the physical.
- When you do compliment her on her appearance, be sexual and specific. “Your ass looks hot in those jeans” as opposed to “Nice jeans”.
- Touch her even when you’re not in the mood for sex; she likely doesn’t want to feel as though you only touch-kiss her as a means to initiate sex.
- Flirt with her even when others [friends, family, kids] are in the room.
- Let her know you’re thinking about her when you’re apart. Send a text, give a quick call, leave a note, pick up a snack she likes on your way home.
A so-called bad girl may be just what you need to draw out your deepest, most powerful fantasies”
Urbasm: Good tips. So what is the worst misconception being passed around by other sex experts that is actually doing more men harm than good?
Dr. Jess: There still seems to be a heavy focus on “lasting” as long as possible and this can be dually problematic:
- On one hand, not all women want intercourse to last forever; we get tired, sore, bored, etc.
- On the other hand, when you focus on ‘lasting’ it can detract from your own pleasure as you get caught up in quantity (of minutes) over quality.
Urbasm: Is there such a thing as a ‘bad girl’ and is she really that bad for us?
Dr. Jess: Aside from an abusive partner, there is no universal bad girl. Good and bad are not mutually exclusive – and whether or not someone is a bad sexual influence is a matter of sexual compatibility. A so-called bad girl may be just what you need to draw out your deepest, most powerful fantasies.
Urbasm: And what are the three most important things that every guy should know about sex, according to you?
Dr. Jess: One, the clitoris isn’t an elevator button. Don’t make a habit of pressing it like you’re ringing a doorbell. Instead, rub, touch, kiss and lick the full outside of the vulva. Two, you don’t have to be monogamous. But you should be honest about what you want. No one is forcing you to get married or commit to one person for the rest of your life — that’s your choice and having a conversation about how you define monogamy needs to happen before you commit to one another. Consider all of your options before you fall into monogamy as the default. Monogamous relationships can be fulfilling and long-lasting, but they’re more likely to succeed if you consciously opt in.
Dr. Jess: Three, sexual compatibility matters. It is essential to a lasting, happy relationship. You have to work to be compatible, so start talking about your sexual desires early in the relationship. Be open to hearing your partner’s and if you feel judged or find yourself judging your partner, accept that you may not be compatible.
Urbasm: On behalf of all sexually happy (and soon to be happy) men everywhere, we thank you, Dr. Jess.
Jess O’Reilly’s Ph.D. studies involved the development of training programs in sex education for teachers and her education and undergraduate degrees focused on equity and sexual diversity. Her training includes courses in counselling skills, healthy relationships, resolving sexual concerns, sex education, clinical sexology, sexual development, sex and disability, group therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
Alongside her academic and television credits, Dr. Jess is also an accomplished author with three best-selling titles, including The New Sex Bible and Hot Sex Tips,Tricks and Licks. She can be found on her monthly column in Post City and Tuesday mornings on Global TV’s The Morning Show, Wednesdays on 102.1 The Edge and Saturdays on PlayboyTV. You can also keep in touch with her through Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
The Art of Seduction – Interview With Zan Perrion
April Masini On Sex, Picking Up Women, and Why Men Fail
How To Seduce Women – Insider Tips From A Female Dating Expert
How to Seduce Women – The Wing Girl Dishes On What Most Dating Coaches Get Wrong