Erica Black is a relationship expert who understands that dating success is a combination of social skills, confidence, and a vibrant personality, even when you are dealing with the somewhat shallow nature of an adult dating website. Despite what the advertisements promise, websites like ashleymadison.com are not just all about sex and satiation, as somewhere in the mix you’re going to end up with feelings, intimacy, and a nudge towards the dreaded “C” (Commitment).
Urbasm: What do you think women are really looking for on adult dating websites?
Erica Black: There are different forms of adult sites. If you are referring to sites that are aimed at just getting sex–then, more than likely those women are:
- Living overseas, in challenging circumstances, and looking for a man with money to get them out—or—scam the man for money. Either way, these women rely on the desperate male.
- Other women may have had a very disturbed upbringing and feel this is their only form of connection. Such imbalance is as corruptible to life quality as drug addiction.
- Some women may have sex addictions that can only be met by several men.
- There are unhappily married women seeking an affair. Generally, they are seeking some kind of connection or validation beyond sex.
Any man would be dabbling with danger in the first three cases. The emotionally stable, empowered woman seeking sex, and sex alone, does exist. But you will rarely find her on such a sex dating site. Her “dance card” is probably full of guys from various areas of her life. Generally speaking, women almost always have an agenda outside of sex. So, men should be aware of that aspect when considering these sites as a dating alternative. The majority of women don’t find it hard to “get laid,” if that’s all they want (this never remains what they are after for very long, by the way).
Urb: Do you think that adult dating websites offer the advantage of getting sex on the first date over that of a regular dating website?
EB: Generally, women need some form of chemistry or connection to sleep with a guy. A man might have a slight advantage on these sites over the standard dating sites. However, as I noted, some women do go through a stage when they simply don’t want a relationship … but sexual needs still drive them. Generally, this is a phase. At some point, a woman will start looking for her companion, the man that makes her heart sing. If she connects with a guy sexually, and then shifts to that mindset, he might find himself getting more than he bargained for.
Urb: What do you think are the three most dangerous women a guy could run across?
EB: We cover this specifically in the course for guys: GET INTO THE SAC. There, we discuss what drives these different types of women, how to identify them and what to do about them. But here are a few girls to be wary of:
- The power bargainer: she likes to manipulate men, often through sex
- The gold digger: she knows how to blind a guy to her faults, while handing over his cash
- The thrill chaser: she’s out for a little adventure, but really she’s just using the man
- The man-eater: she’s got issues, and she’ll use guys to justify her bitterness
Urb: A lot of women play hard to get. What are the signs when a guy should just give up?
EB: This can be tricky because some women really think it’s attractive to play hard to get. They mistake “enticement and mystery” for being vague and difficult. So, a guy should certainly watch out for women who are hard to pin down, e.g. she won’t commit to a time until the last minute; be wary of women who are sweet on one date, then in a foul mood the next time you chat. Unless you’ve done some to genuinely upset her, like eaten all of her favorite treats, or crushed her prize orchid, her moods should not be taken out on you. You don’t need a woman who plays games, uses you, is perhaps dating several people at once and has bumped you down on her list. Give her one more chance, and if she still confuses you, step away. She’s either too shallow to be real with you, or she’s too confused to share a good time with. Do NOT be drawn into rescuing her from her a) previous boyfriend, b) family issues, c) stressed life/budget, d) or whatever else might be complicating her life.
Urb: What is the one thing that most men are clueless about when it comes to impressing a woman on a first date?
EB: There is so much pressure on a man to impress on a first date, and so much so that I am forever telling women to help him a little along the way, so he can bring his best to the table. After all a relationship is a two-way street, isn’t it? At the same time, a good man will want to make an effort (and good on him for wanting to do so). So, based on that, many men try a bit too hard. For example, there is absolutely no point taking a woman on a 1st date to an expensive restaurant where each meal costs him a days/week’s wage, then the second and third date are spent in his apartment watching a video with a microwave frozen meal. Guys, make the 1st date a representation of yourself. Be yourself, but make it your best self. If she doesn’t appreciate that, then she’s not worth your precious time.
Adult dating is a careful balance between chemistry and sex. However, at the end of the day, a relationship is what you are ultimately dealing with, whether you like it or not. As Erica said, most women are looking for one special man, even though her efforts may be disguised within a series of one-night stands.
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