Listen up guys… there are things that you do that make us women say ‘hmm’. But the majority of these are okay, as they only make you appear a bit quirky. Then there are the things that make us shudder a bit, like when you open a beer can with your teeth. In retrospect, these are generally okay so long as you don’t gather too many strikes in one week.
But there are a handful of things that you probably do on occasion in bed, that you never realized were as horrific as murdering Bambi and his mother right in front of us. I’m telling you right now, these five motions are absolute deal breakers no matter how charming and beautiful you may be. And we’ll start with the absolute worst crime of all…
Going Down Without Checking First
News flash guys, us girls go through a couple different phases each month, and some of these are a lot less sexy than others. And I hear you when you say, “But hey babe, I’m cool with that.” But if it makes me sick to my stomach to watch you and then expect me to kiss you afterward – I can guarantee you that I am NOT cool with it. So please, just check before inviting yourself down, because we may have another idea that will save you from absolutely disgusting us.
No worries guys, because us women get it. Men watch porn, it gets them off, and they imagine how great it would be to mix it with their current relationship. So go ahead and show us a few of your favorite clips, but then invite us to show you a few of ours. Because when it comes to porn, men and women often have completely different ideas of what is sexy. So if you skip this first step, and invite us over to recapture a few moments of Bat Dude and Throbbin, or Free Will Humping, take note that it may turn us off beyond ever looking you in the eyes again.
For one, dirty talk and certain ‘actions’ are only appropriate for couples who have a history to work with. This is because every woman has her own set of boundaries when it comes to porn, and if you jump right in without dipping your toe in first, you are almost guaranteed to push her beyond her boundaries, and you can rarely ever come back from that.
An unfortunate fact of clothing layers, mouthwash, and cologne, is that some lazy guys can forgo hygiene without a woman becoming completely aware of the situation. And then the big moment comes to pass, you take off all those layers and let the real you out – and we gasp for air because of the horrid stench. A woman’s senses are heightened the moment we become sexually excited. This can be either good or bad depending on your level of hygiene. So which guy do you really want to be?
Women love a good comedian because they are talented, creative, and absolutely amazing at finding the humor out of everyday life. For all other guys, please don’t take the lazy route and make every fart the most hilarious thing since Caddy Shack. Because most women don’t find farts that funny. And the lingering waft of lameness will follow you throughout our next couples days together (if you’re lucky it will be days) until we realize that we can no longer look you in the face. And don’t even get me started on the guys who do this as a woman is headed down South to please him in bed – because she will leap North and be out the door before you can even laugh at your amazing accomplishment.
Suck Face McSloppy
Men are told to always try their best. To go above and beyond in order to make amazing accomplishments all throughout life. But there is at least one place where minimal effort always trumps maximum – and that is while kissing. Women like small tender kisses that are direct, planned and passionate. We do not want to be licked like a barbeque rump roast, and then chewed and sucked on like you’re trying to get to the center of our Tootsie Pop. Keep this in mind: A woman bases how a man will be in bed by how he kisses. So, is this really the kind of impression you want to leave before trying to take our clothes off? You decide.