The Gentlemen’s Guide to Ending a Horrible Date

Bad first date

She eats like Gollum, wears too much perfume – and her cat absolutely hates you. You could always be brutally honest and say you just want to be friends, or that your bowels are preparing to unleash a tsunami in your trousers, but some situations require a little more finesse than drama.

For whatever reason, let’s say you’re having a bad first date and you desperately need to get out out – but you still want to look like a gentleman… here’s what you do:


Prime the Pump

This is an old trick I use to make just about any excuse go down as smooth as butter. In other words, it will seem to her that you are doing ‘her’ the favor by canceling out early. What you do is – as soon as things start to turn sour, begin priming the pump towards your welcome exit. You do this by suggesting such things as you live in an alley, recently broke up with a goat, lost your job, are out on bail, live with your mom, and own a poisonous snake, etc. It is amazing how quickly you can get a date looking for an emergency exit with a little creativity, and then once you give her the key to escape she will be as happy as can be. At this point you’ll look like both a hero and a savior – so head out on your own to do some proper celebrating.


‘Later Plans’ – Emergency Detonator

At the beginning of every date I always like to initiate the ‘later plans’ detonator onto the table so that it is ready to use if I should need it. It is not all that unusual for people to schedule quick first date meetups and have to take off for another appointment. As an added bonus, if the date goes unusually well, you’ll have the option to unleash plan B, which is to compliment your date on having such a great time you’d like to cancel your plans and hang out a bit longer. Now who’s getting brownie points this early in the game?


The Workaholic

Work is an easy excuse to take you out of just about any situation. It could be in the form of an emergency meeting text, client emergency, last minute speech preparation or whatever. As an added bonus, most women try to avoid the pitfall of ending up with a career-focused workaholic, so it will actually look like you’re doing her the favor by showing her your true face early on. “Thank you; you’re welcome… and now please excuse me as I really must go.”


Last Minute Family Drop-In

Everybody has that quirky uncle that likes to drop in unannounced and ends up shaking your evening plans to pieces. But this is hardly the best excuse, until your date is told that Uncle (Charlie, Ralph, whatever) is also an ex military war hero and also the coolest man that ever lived. Well, he just popped into town and this is your last chance to get together and talk about the secrets to life, the last 24 hours he has to live, or the location of your families hidden treasure, etc. Who says that you can’t end a bad date – on somewhat of a positive note. Uncle Charlie can bring a heart-lifting end to just about any horrible dating experience.


Bad Date Rescue Emergency Call

If you’ve relied on a friend (a.k.a. wingman) to get you out of a tough spot before, you will likely understand why I usually skip the potential for human error and go straight for the robot devices. has a nifty little Bad Date rescue app that seems to work well enough to get the job done should you need an easy-made emergency phone call. The way it works is it gives you a ring at a requested time, allowing you to stage the look of an emergency. You don’t need to be a great actor… just raise your eyebrows, imagine Ronda Rousey pile driving your privates, mention saving the world and apologize profusely as you leave her a wad of cash for a taxi, plus a little extra so she can buy herself a parting gift. And now you can make your way hastily towards the nearest exit (just try not to smile too much on your way out).

Congratulations! You are now a free man with the opportunity to do another first date all over again (just choose more carefully next time around, please.)

About Doc Hollandaise

Lover, fighter, and bona fide sex expert.

About Doc Hollandaise

Lover, fighter, and bona fide sex expert.