It can be awkward to end a date with a person you don’t plan on seeing again. What are your parting words? How do you communicate finality? You don’t want to give the woman false hope and let her believe you might call for a second date, but you also don’t want to flat out say, “Nice try, but this isn’t happening again.” That’s just cruel.
So establish it as her decision. Guide the girl to the, “No way in hell,” conclusion, but let her think she determined it herself. She wasn’t rejected, she did the rejecting. It saves you the discomfort of turning her down, and eliminates any pining on her part. She won’t be waiting for the phone to ring because she’ll have blocked your number.
Here are ten sure-fire methods to guarantee you both are in agreement—you never want to see each other again:
- Sit back when the bill comes and say, “Oh come on. Try and tell me you didn’t eat more.”
- Show her a photo of the wedding dress your mom has saved for when the time comes.
- When she orders dessert, rest your hand on hers and say, “Is that really the best idea?”
- Ask, “Would you be open to dyeing your hair blonde? I’m really more into blondes.”
- Describe the uncomfortable rash that crops up every couple months below your belt line.
- Brag that you know all of the state capitals, and then prove it.
- Ask her to smile for a photo so you can survey some friends about whether or not she’s hotter than your last date.
- Remember you have to refute a charge on your credit card and then call the company right there at the dinner table.
- Say, “So how old were you when you first realized your cousins were attractive?”
- Ask, “If you were given the choice, how would you prefer to be murdered? Poison? Asphyxiation?”
Alena Dillon is the author of humor collection, I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean. She has her MFA from Fairfield University and lives in New York with her husband. Follow Alena on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TheAlenaDillon